WHAT WE KNOW
Massfacts: The University of Massachusetts comes into this game…you know what? Fuck it. Mass comes into this game after another dog shit season where the offense has been unable to do almost anything, averaging a sub UConn 10.6 points per game and has asked the defense to do way too much. Losing two games at home by a combined 2 points was also super awesome and not at all infuriating.
This team has been fluctuating between atrocious and damn near approaching a level of adequicivity that would make Bill McNeal proud. Unfortunately, the lows have been extremely low, while the highs have been barely reaching medium which brings us to the 1-10 record we currently sport.
So what good things do we know about this team?
- Brendon Levengood > an inanimate carbon rod > Blake Lucas.
- They either have an unbelievably large collection of talent in the back field or this team has caught Denver Broncos of the late 90s syndrome and even I could rush for near a 100 yards.
That’s about it. This will be the last time we get to see several seniors, but not Rob Blanchflower because he isn’t playing! He’s probably going to just go home and have a nice Thanksgiving with his folks. Good for you, Blanch, you earned it. Let’s go out with a victo…aw who the hell am I kidding. Let’s try not to embarrass ourselves and start writing up contracts with Satan for a chance at mediocrity next year.
Bobfacts: There are two guys on the Bobcats that you need to pay any attention to if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about: Tyler Tettleton and Beau Blankenship. Not only are these two fantastic alliterative names, but they are pretty good football players as well. Tettleton is fourth in the MAC in passer rating and has a pretty good 18-8 TD-INT ratio, while Beau Blankenship has rushed for over 700 yards and opened 37 fitness centers.
But the Bobcats are not in our Top 10 Favorite Bobs, not by a longshot. That is an honor of distinction, as we at Four Volleys™ do not take Bobs lightly. Let’s go to the tape.
Top 10 Bobs
Was on Full House, then became everyone’s favorite dirty comic. Now, people all seem to think he tries too hard and is kind of a loser. But he probably banged an Olsen, so there’s that.
Esteemed game show host emeritus who championed the reduction in animal reproduction while surrounding himself with a harem of women generations his junior. Also, punched Adam Sandler in the face, which definitely counts for something.
A yellow, absorbent, porous, anthropomorphic creature who lives in a submerged pineapple on the oceans floor. Seems legit.
A regional clothing supplier supposedly opened by a Bob in 1954. I have my suspicions, however. Have you ever seen a picture of this Bob? Are we even sure he exists? He’s on the list anyways, since he could be a multi-dimensional energy being, and that’s pretty tight.
These cops are pretty easy to like, given they don’t carry guns, speak in a British accent, and wear funny hats. In fact, that’s downright disarming.
Wrote for SNL and Conan O’Brien. Was Mr. Show. Produced Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Has appeared on NewsRadio, Seinfeld, and Arrested Development. Played Saul Mother Fucking Goodman on Breaking Bad. Bob has better credentials than 9000% of Hollywood.
Made famous by flappers of the 1920s, this short to mid length cut stopping around the jawline has made appearances throughout film, but most memorably by Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.
Cheddar Bob is an allegorical representation of the season as a whole. To wit, shooting yourself in the dick while trying to look tough in front of your friends and enemies.
2. The (plural)
The fantastic consultant duo from the greatest work comedy to grace cinema. It was thanks to these guys we will forever ask, “What would you say….you do here?”
Is a literal wizard who was able to conjure images from the ether at his will. Imparted his wisdom as best he could only using his powers for good while making the world a better place.
Timefacts: Ohio beat us last time out, and in all likelihood, this will happen again on Friday. Just don’t look for it to be as close and exciting as last season.
WHERE TO ENJOY
Radio: WEEI (105.5 FM in Springfield/Western Massachusetts), WMUA (99.1 FM in Amherst), WVEI (1440 AM in Worcester/Central Massachusetts/Boston if you’re up high somewhere. Like a tall hill or something), and WATD (95.9 FM on the South Shore)
Legal Streams: Audio
Four Volleys: HomelessJerry will be waking up at his parent’s house in his hometown bitching about the lack of peripherals that he will most certainly forget to bring home forcing him to watch by way of Delayed Animated Dots while most likely swilling domestic…well…swill. Pockets will be in some state of cooking, eating, or enjoying time with family, regrettably hindering his likelihood of seeing any of the game.
THANKSGIVING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RIVALRY PICK BONANZA
Norwood High School Football Mustangs: Jesus Christ, it’s like I’m a god damn magnet for 1 win teams. My NHS ‘Stangs are seriously fucking abysmal and make UMass’s offense appear dominant having only broken 7 twice this season (21 points in a win, 7 points in a loss). The defense, while having improved about 1000 times since the ‘regular’ season ended and they began taking on teams as shitty as they are, is still is not very good. Fortunately, they are taking on a close-to-but-not-as-shitty Dedham squad in what is a most certainly irrelevant game. Beating Dedham is a Norwood tradition, and I think the squad pulls out some mysticism and keeps from hitting double digits in the loss column. Norwood takes home the Wall-Totti trophy in a tight one decided by a failed PAT. #FireSarianides #FireMcDonough
East Longmeadow Spartans: The Spartans (7-3) haven’t yet played Longmeadow (6-4) this season, although it could have happened as both teams made the playoffs, which now occur before Thanksgiving for some reason. They also both lost in the first round, since Central is made of the Pacific Rim robots and Westfield enjoyed beating EL so much in the conference schedule they ran it back in the first round. So both EL and Meadow come into Thursday’s tilt, the last of the year, with only one thing left to do: win the Selectmen’s Cup (is there really a trophy now, and is that actually the name of it? Jesus). Vegas has EL by 4. Take the Spartans on the road, because Scott Raymond is a mastermind.
Sam because white collar cats are no match for bullets.
OFFICIAL FOUR VOLLEYS™ END OF SEASON THANK GOD FINALLY DRINKING GAME
You remember the game is on late because the Friday after Thanksgiving? Really?
You contemplate throwing up from all the food and booze you’ve surely ingested over the past several days
Every time the announcers mention Blankenship’s martial arts-meets-exercising videos
AJ Doyle Rules!
You find a leftover sealed can of cranberry sauce, open it, and eat the entire thing with a spoon.
Family member wants to talk to you about the basketball team
Family member wants to smoke before dinner
AJ Doyle Drools!
UMass is down at the half
AJ Doyle is actually seen drooling
For being stuck at your desk. No one is going to know
Family member makes a smart ass remark about the football team without really having a leg to stand on (read: actual division 1 football team of marginal relevance where they attended college)
HALF THE BOTTLE
Blake. Mother. Fucking. Lucas.
ALL OF THE CHAMPALE
The season ends
FIND FOUR VOLLEYS
NOT UNDER THE FLAG!
While this game is in the midwestern equivalent of Amherst, we have families and dead fowl to eat and spend time with, not in that order. But this is a thing that will likely have words on it.