UNDEFEATED UMASS TAKES ON WINLESS BOSTON COLLEGE

Seriously, how dumb are birds? Very very dumb should be your answer.

WHAT WE KNOW

Massfacts: We have a new quarterback, a new head coach, a revamped defense, and a whole heap of hope. It’s the first game of the season against a team who has lost their Heisman-candidate running back, lost their appropriately-named-for-yacht-club quarterback, and believes that hyping up their private, Jesuit, New England school’s SuperFans must involve a mellow country song. Which translates to: we don’t know much about what will happen.

Every facet of the game looks to be improved over last season for UMass, which isn’t saying much. But we are talking about a team that could have easily been 3-9 instead of 1-11 if they had a kicker who didn’t shit his pants every time he crossed the sidelines and a coach who instilled confidence in literally nobody.

I am expecting to see an offense that can move the ball (no, really), which should lead to a situation in which our actually good defense isn’t sucking wind by halftime. You know what happens when you aren’t on the field constantly as a defender? You can actually defend. Which will be important, since that’s their one job.

I’ll be keeping on eye on our backfield, and seeing how Whipple works in our multitude of ball carriers. Let’s hope our o-line finds the strength and will to let them get free.

Brightonfacts: BC is neither in Boston, nor is it a college. This suburban university located in Chestnut Hill is home to mostly self important 18-22 year olds who argue about which of their fathers makes more money. Frequently talking about their athletics, while not actually attending any non ‘noteworthy’ games, they actually put into place a system that rewards you for attending shitty games by placing you first on the list for ‘desirable’ games. Hence, the eternal moniker of Superfrauds.

The BC offense is essentially the 5th year of playing an NCAA game as they graduated pretty much everyone of note (read: Andre Williams) and they’re holding onto three guys named Slaughter and a transfer starting QB you really hope is going to work out. Frankly, they don’t have a running back or quarterback who really ‘fits’ their offensive scheme, so it’s going to be a bit of an adventure in babysitting for the Eagles.

The defense, on the other hand, is something we’re intimately familiar with. Old frenemy Don Brown heads the defensive side of the ball for the Eagles, so look for lots of stupid penalties and blitzing from them. Whip and Brown go way back, so this will be an interesting chess match between the two. Brown has a slight edge due to having more time to establish his system, but there is a reason Brown was always the assistant to Whipple and not the other way around.

This is a lose-lose situation for the BU-Newton Campus Eagles as a blow out is “so? you blew out a team with 2 wins in 2 years” and anything else is “you didn’t blow out at team with 2 wins in 2 years?” While we feel that this team is way better than that, and was much better than that last year, that’s still how a fan of this unlikable bunch would have to view it.

Seriously, fuck this team and fuck their fans.

Timefacts: The all-time series between the two teams is egregiously one-sided, with the Beagles taking 19 of the 24 contests, including all but two of the games played since 1912. But you know what? Who cares about the past. WE’RE LOOKING FORWARD. And tomorrow is a new day, the dawn of an era in which Massachusetts football is run by maroon and white.

What has history ever taught us, anyways?


WHERE TO ENJOY

TV: ESPN3
Radio: WEEI (105.5 FM in Springfield), WMUA (99.1 FM in Amherst), WVEI (1440 AM in Worcester), WXKS (1200 AM in Boston), and WATD (95.9 FM on the South Shore).
Legal Streams: Video, Audio, Delayed Animated Dots
Pirates: FirstRow
Four Volleys: Gillette Stadium. P1. As early as you’re generally allowed to be there. Drankin’.


MASCOT FIGHT

Sam because Baldwin is a stupid anthropomorphic bird and Sam literally has a gun. I can’t stress this enough. Baldwin can’t possibly fly with his body that is an affront to nature and Sam has a gun that shoots BULLET (singular).

Exactly.

Appropriate level of worry

DRINKING GAME

1 SIP
In celebration of football season returning
Every time you see a BC scarf despite it being over 80 degrees
BC fan who didn’t attend BC

2 SIPS
For health
Every BC fan completely out of place in a sea of UMass fans
You hear Jerry spew profanity from Section 109, row 5, surrounded by families

LONG PULL
of Deans Bean’s Coffee Porter by BBC because you can
You hear “Charley Molnar”
It’s a blow out

SHOT
1 score game in the 4th

HALF THE BOTTLE
Blake Lucas returns to 2013 form and misses an impossibly easy field goal.

DRINK ALL OF THE TEARS
UMass wins


FIND FOUR VOLLEYS

Under this

Under this

UNDER THE FLAG! For the first home game of the season, Four Volleys will be grilling, drinking, and carrying on. Look for the flag. Come wax poetic about our hopes and dreams for this team and the coming fall. Make fun of a Flutie jersey or two. It’ll be fun.


NEGRODAMUS
Spread: BC -17 Money Line: Mass 600 O/U: 48

Call me hoptimistic, but I’d bet an IPA on UMass keeping this close enough to cover that three-score spread. It’s the first game of the year, both teams will be working themselves into a rhythm, and the talent difference between these teams really isn’t as large as your pompous uncle from Natick who went to high school with a tertiary Flutie believes.
In fact, fuck it. 27-24 UMass. Prepare the mounties.

UMPD horses.

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